Episode 120 Podcast Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):

We know that you’re trying to grow this business for the betterment of your life with you and your family. It’s time for you to step up on the home front and be the husband, be the father, be the man that your family want in their lives by introducing this nice little concept around a date night, put some effort into it, show up, be present and that’s how you can build a great business and be a good husband and be a good father and have some great time in there for yourself. G’day everyone. Rob Kropp and Dan Stones here from Pravar Group, and welcome back to another episode of The Trade Den. Really good to have you back, Dan. How are you?

Speaker 2 (00:40):

Very good. Thank you, Rob. Yeah, good to be back. Looking forward to today. We’ve got a bit of a Family Matters episode, so really good. I like these. They’re a little bit of a deviation, but geez, we get some good stories and feedback when we do them and hopefully today will be no different to what we’ve done in the past. The big thing we’re talking about today obviously is relationships, your primary relationship if you like, or your significant other. And where we want to start today is that business owners, especially the ones we coach, aren’t neglecting relationships on purpose. Not because they’re selfish. They’re neglecting the relationship because their whole identity gets tied into this idea of being a provider. And I know, Rob, that’s something near and dear to your heart. It’s why Pravar exists to an extent for that very reason. The long hours feel like I’m doing it out of love.

(01:26):

The saying yes to everything feels like, well, it’s my responsibility. And if I don’t, then what happens? So skipping a family dinner or something like that a weekend away feels like a sacrifice, but it’s always tied to that sense of purpose. And the intention behind it all is legitimate. There is an intention there. I get it. But the intention and what your partner gets to experience isn’t your intention. The partner experiences the absence. They’re experiencing someone who’s physically in the room but mentally still on site, even when you’re in the room. And over time, distance gets created. It’s not like a big blowup. It’s not like a crisis, but it’s a slow disconnection where two people stop feeling like a team if you like. It starts to become individuals that are under the same roof. And that’s what we’re going to unpack today, starting with how this disconnect happens.

(02:16):

And the first thing we want to talk as we go through how disconnect happens is that it’s not dramatic and that’s what makes it so dangerous. It’s like a slow boiling frog to that story that we use.

Speaker 1 (02:26):

It is. It kind of happens over a period of time. And I think business is hard. It takes sacrifice. It’s almost, it’s got to become that little bit of a baby of yours. And especially when you’re trying to get a business up out of the ground, it’s hard yards and early days. And we hear it all the time. It’s like, “I’m doing it for my family. I’m doing it for my family.” And a lot of guys say that, but the very thing that they’re hurting in the process is their family. And this is the juggling act. This is the balance that is so hard to get right is trying to grow a business and be a present husband and be a present father and have some time in there for yourself. It’s really hard to find that balance, but there’s a few things you can do to be able to get that balance right so that you don’t somewhat build your business at the expense of the very thing of why you’re building it in the first place, which is your family.

Speaker 2 (03:21):

You used that word sacrifice. And I think it’s really important, Rob, and let’s just camp out and discuss it. But the sacrifice that the business owner makes is being met with a sacrifice by the partner, but they’re two different types of sacrifice. One comes when it’s got a lot of purpose behind it. The other one comes from sacrifice that your partner makes by default. They’re sort of going along with the sacrifice, but they’re giving up stuff just as much as you are. You just don’t recognise that in the moment. And that I think is the drive and the sense of purpose keeps you sacrificing where your partner’s sacrificing, but they’re sort of getting dragged along and it starts to split out that way.

Speaker 1 (03:56):

Yeah. Look, between Jacqui and I, my wife, Jac and I, we never really sat down when we first started dating and said, we never really had the conversation going, “Look, is this what we’re really signing up for together?” Because at that point we were dating and I was trying to grow a business and we kind of just started dating, but we never really sat down and had the conversation going, “Are we really signing up for this? ” No one really as a husband/wife sits down and says, “Are we going to sign up for this thing called business ownership?” It kind of just happens. And you’re right about sacrifice. The reason why we make it work together so well is because I acknowledge that I’ve had to sacrifice a lot to be able to run Pravar Group, but I look at what Jac’s had to sacrifice to be such a great mum for our kids.

(04:50):

We compliment each other in that way. She’s sacrificed her career as a teacher to be a stay-at-home mom and be an epic mom that she is. And yeah, I carry the load on the business front, but she carries the load on the family front. But it’s something that we’ve had to work on a lot together to make sure that we don’t disconnect, feel disconnected over time. There’s been times where there’s been really good times in business. There’s been really challenging times and I think every relationship has that and the business bubbling away in that in the middle. Ask any couple that owns a business. It’s bloody hard work. It’s an extra layer of complexity that comes with it. But as a businessman, you’ve got to work hard at your relationship just as much as you’re working hard as your business. Otherwise, it will drift at some point in time.

Speaker 2 (05:40):

And I think what happens is that your sacrifice just gets blindly accepted as their sacrifice. Jac, in your example, is like she’s accepted that sacrifice and she goes with that. But if you’re not paying attention to it, like you said, if you’re not working on your relationship, that starts to be, it becomes the new normal. It becomes the thing and over time you start to see it show up where the pushback, if you miss a dinner, you miss a school thing or something like that, it’s almost like it gets to a point where you’re not even being asked to go. It’s like it’s being absorbed and we’re just going along with it. And that’s not okay because what they’re doing is just adapting to your absence and it’s just becoming the norm. And that’s where the real alarm bells start to ring when it’s normalised and there’s no conversation, there’s no work going into it.

Speaker 1 (06:28):

Yeah. And a lot of trades business guys just think that, well, they just accept that this is what it takes to run a business. When we’re on a mission here at Pravar Group to prove men wrong, like you don’t have to build your business at the expense of your family.That’s just shit thinking. It’s the wrong way of thinking about it, whereas that’s how most businessmen think. But our mission here at Pravar Group is to show you that you can run a great business and you can be a great dad and you can be a great husband present with your family and be healthy and fit and build wealth at the same time. It’s possible to have that and is the key word and that’s our mission to be able to show and prove you that it’s possible. We’ve got so many case studies of clients who are living and breathing that life right now.

(07:21):

It’s not an either or mentality. And if you’ve got that either all mentality of business or family, then you’re doomed to begin with. And that’s where you’ve got to start here is to shift that thinking, to be able to want to go on that journey, to show up as the best lady that you can be. But you’ve got to be on that journey to want to show up as the best husband and father you can be at the same time. And it’s hard work, but gee, it’s worth it.

Speaker 2 (07:44):

Yeah, it is. And I think that’s the thing. People don’t decide to disconnect in their relationship through business, but it’s almost like you accept the conditions as they go on, you never question it and that’s going to be the inevitable outcome of that. So I think that’s a really important piece is to look at that overall. The next thing is what does it look like when it’s working? And I think this is how do you hold it together and again, this isn’t grand schemes. When we talk date night, we’re using that as almost like a bucket term. We use date night all the time. We don’t mean that it has to be a big, you’re not on the bachelor or something where you’ve got to go and hire helicopters and all that crap. It’s not date night like that. It can be sometimes, but it’s simple things done well.

(08:29):

It’s consistency and basics and it’s not neglecting things. It’s sort of coming from that angle.

Speaker 1 (08:34):

It is. And our approaching coaching is somewhat unconventional because the traditional thought is of many businessmen is, well, when my business gets to this point or when I get to do this, then I will work on reconnecting with my family. But you’ve actually got to do the opposite to that traditional thought and be a little bit unconventional where you’ve actually got to put more energy into your relationship. And it just so happens that it’s amazing how your business kind of starts to sort itself out as well. And so you’re right, it’s this little concept of date night where it’s about choosing a moment in time and it’s hard when you’ve got young kids as well. I appreciate that. We’ve got young kids, but it’s choosing something during the week where you’re intentional about doing something with your partner and having some quality time. It doesn’t have to be, like you said, a crazy date night, but it just might be a coffee together one morning.

(09:34):

It could be sitting down and just having a nice, quiet dinner together after the kid’s gone to bed and it’s a home cooked meal. It could be going for a drink somewhere and having a wine together. It could be having a nice wine together over the kitchen table at home and just having good conversation. It could be a nice dinner out and you get a babysitter. So it doesn’t have to be spending a shitload of money on doing all this fancy stuff. It’s just special moments or precious moments where you choose to be able to spend some quality time together to have good conversation to ensure that the relationship continues to have life about it. You got to breathe life into your relationship rather than just taking from it.

Speaker 2 (10:13):

Yeah. And that’s that idea that the presence matters more than the big gestures. Same as what we talk about when we’ve done family matters in the past with your own kids. It’s not the size of what you’re doing and the big effort that goes into it. It’s just the fact that you are truly present. That will go such a long way.

Speaker 1 (10:30):

We’re in that journey at the moment where we do have a young family. We got seven, five, and coming up three later this year. We’re in the hurt locker with young kids. And so I have a full appreciation when dads and mums, like couples say they don’t have time when they’ve got kids. So that’s why I think pre-kids for me, it’s like, date night, you got to do it. But I didn’t have the appreciation from having a young family. But as I got my own family now, I appreciate the time is precious and it comes with the responsibility. It comes with pressures of the routine that you’ve got to be able to keep your kids in. So it’s looking for the special moments. It’s even little things throughout the week of sending a nice message or writing a little note. It’s the little gestures of those little things that go a long way to continue to stay connected and build on that relationship so that ensure that it doesn’t deteriorate as you are trying to build a great business and a great life together.

Speaker 2 (11:34):

Yeah. And I’m going to throw another word in there alongside that it’s presence. It’s also availability and being available. Some people, we see it. It’s almost like they’re untouchable by their own family. They can’t get ahold of them. They’re so wrapped up in that world. So I think its presence and availability matters more than the grand gesture every now and again. That’s an important point. The next one we want to talk about is that it becomes a practise and not a reward. This whole idea of a date night. People think it’s going to be like you hit the target, we’ll go out and celebrate. And we recommend that and we want you to do it, but that’s not the sort of thing that becomes date night. Don’t tie it to a reward of, “If I do, then I will.” It’s something that you protect and it’s something that you invest in your relationship over time.

(12:21):

It’s not something it’s a deposit, not a withdrawal. I’ve heard you talk about that before as well.

Speaker 1 (12:27):

Yeah, it is. I look at clients like this is part of our, obviously Pravar Group. The word Pravar is a combination of two words, which is prana and vagar. Combine those two, it creates Pravar, which means breathe life back into the family. That’s what the essence of what Pravar is all about. It’s at the heart of what we do is breathing life back into our clients’ families, build great businesses, live epic family lives. A lot of the guys who do come to us in the trade space, they feel trapped working crazy hours. They’re confused about what to do next and they are genuinely feeling disconnected from the very reason that they got into business, which is their family. And so just creating that habit of doing something together. And a great example that comes to mind is Greg. He’s a sparky in one of our programmes and he has his tea dates with his wife and they have cups of tea together.

(13:27):

And it’s something that he chose to do as part of one of his quarterly improvements that we do here Pravar and he does his tea dates. And for him and Linda, he was transformative for their relationship.

Speaker 2 (13:40):

It really was. It was the cornerstone, the turning point. It was a real practise that he put in place that had a huge impact, not because it was a grand gesture, because it was availability, it was presence and it was done consistently.

Speaker 1 (13:54):

Another great example was Seth. He did his walk and talks with his wife where they’d finished dinner and they’ve got kids who are a litle bit older. They’d kind of do their thing after dinner and then they’d just go and spend a bit of time going for a bit of a walk and talk at night after dinner. They killed two birds with one stone. They get some exercise in together and they connect through good conversation together. So even going for a 20 minute walk for them was what worked for them. Now that may not work for someone, but doesn’t work for Jacqui and I. We’ve got young kids. We can’t just say to Grace, “Hey Grace, you’re seven, look after the two younger ones. It’s not going to work.” But for Seth with all the kids, it kind of works for him. So you got to find a rhythm that works for you in whatever’s going on with your family dynamics.

(14:40):

But what we’re saying to you is you got to put in some effort, man.That’s what we’re saying. You got to show up and you show up every single day to make your business better. Don’t you think it’s time to show up and make your relationship better?

Speaker 2 (14:54):

Yeah, it is. And it’s got to become non-negotiable. It’s got to be something that’s absolutely rock solid. And this is where most guys do fall down and it stays as an optional thing. It’s a should. I should do it. I got to do better at it. I know and it’s something that they’ll acknowledge, but they don’t do anything about it. So let’s go through, we’ve got three things we want to give you guys to just sort of say, “Well, how do you do that? ” And the first thing we want to talk about is putting it in the calendar. Treat it like a site meeting. And it sounds awful. Don’t tell your wife you’re treating it like a site meeting, but have it in your calendar, schedule it same time, same day if you can lock it in advance, make the decision that it’s going to happen.

(15:33):

And the way we do that is through our calendar and making it scheduled because when it’s scheduled, it’s real. So that’s what we want to do. So really treating it like that same level of importance, put it into your calendar where all the other important stuff should be.

Speaker 1 (15:47):

Yeah. I think it’s Glen, one of our clients does his Friday lunch date with his wife and it’s in the calendar. It’s in his calendar as a meeting. And I know it sounds just like, why would you want to do that with your wife? But the principle is what gets scheduled gets done and you live and breathe by your calendar. So why not have it in there? That works for him. So a Friday lunch date works for him and that’s what he’s chosen to do to connect with his wife every single week.

Speaker 2 (16:13):

Yep. It’s in my calendar. If it’s not in my calendar, I guarantee I won’t do it. But if it’s in the calendar, it’s like, “Oh yeah, that’s that thing that’s got to happen. I’ve got to make that happen.” And I think that’s the thing. It makes you go, “I’ve got to make that happen.” So really important. I think we’ve done this second one a little bit, but keeping it simple. Like you said, really remind yourself it doesn’t have to be expensive. It doesn’t have to be a big production. Like you said, a dinner, a walk, whatever it is, put the phone down, ask each other a question, whatever it is, that will probably be enough, but keep it simple.

Speaker 1 (16:44):

Yeah. Even watching something on Netflix, it’s like, “Hey, do you want to watch an episode?” And we sit on the couch together and just hang out and talk and watch an episode, then have a bit of a chat afterwards. It’s that connection. It doesn’t have to be spending a lot of money. It’s sometimes the best connection that you have, you don’t go and spend any money on anything because you’re just spending quality time together.

Speaker 2 (17:05):

The last one is having a conversation. By that, we don’t mean just have a conversation about maps that you’ve just sat on the couch and watched, but have a conversation about where you’re at with this. All right, be honest about it and open up and actually share some thoughts. So don’t just start showing up and going, “Well, I expect credit for that. Look what I did. I organised that and try and make it a badge of honour for you that you’ve initiated it. Talk to your partner directly. And if you’ve fallen on that side of the disconnect where you know it’s because you’ve gone too much on the business side and is there, rebalance it and just make an announcement that you know you’ve been out of balance, that you put the business first, that things are going to change and put yourself on the hook, but also give your partner the awareness that you know what’s happening and you are going to do something about it because then you’ve just got to follow up and do it.

(17:54):

But it’s going to change that tone immediately if you can do that. So having a conversation’s important. Yeah.

Speaker 1 (18:00):

Then you’ve got to follow up. That’s the key one. You can’t talk about it and you’ve got to really allow your … It’s a bit of show me, don’t tell me type of mentality.

Speaker 2 (18:08):

It’s burn the boats almost, isn’t it? It’s like, right, I’m going to say this. I’ve now done it. Now I’ve got to actually do what I said I was going to do. So really important. All right. I think there’s enough tips in there, but I think again, it’s just raising this awareness, taking stock of it and then making a small decision. And that’s really what this week’s challenge is about. Open your calendar, find a time in the next seven days and just try and lock away an hour with your partner. What’s it going to be? What are you going to do? Have a plan. Doesn’t have to be a grand gesture. You don’t have to go book everything. Just no phones, no work talk, just the two of you and put in a space where you can do it and then try and do it the week after.

(18:45):

And you watch, as Rob said, the more you do it, it’s amazing that how much better the business runs when you’re looking after that and you’re investing in your relationship. It just seems to flow everywhere that you go. We know that instinctively, but when you experience it from going from one side of the equation to the other, it’s pretty powerful.

Speaker 1 (19:05):

We know that you’re trying to grow this business for the betterment of your life with you and your family. It’s now about being congruent with that because the reality is that your wife wants a husband back and your kids want their dad back. And don’t be that guy where it gets too late where everything has become so disconnected that you can’t … It’s very hard to come back from that. Make this episode one for you where it’s that little tap of the shoulder to be able to go, “Hey man, it’s time for you to step up on the home front and be the husband, be the father, be the man that your family want in their lives. And by introducing this nice little concept around date night, whatever that is for you, however you define it during the week, put some effort into it. Show up, be present.

(19:58):

And that’s how you can build a great business and be a good husband and be a good father and have some great time in there for yourself. Hopefully you’ve enjoyed today’s episode. If this has really resonated with you and you know that you want to be able to build your trades business and go on that journey of transforming your family life as well and reconnecting with your family, then jump across to strategysession.com.au, fill out the application form, book it a time that suits, and let’s talk about how we can help you build your business and reconnect with the family along the way. Hope you enjoyed today’s episode and we’ll look forward to coming back to you with another episode next week on The Trade Den. Until then, take care.

Speaker 2 (20:35):

See you soon.