Episode 37 Podcast Transcript
Speaker 1 (00:00):
No matter what role you have in your life, whatever it is that’s going on in your world, your child wants you to show up as a dad first and foremost.
Speaker 2 (00:13):
Hi everyone. Rob Kropp here and welcome back to another episode of The Trade Den, welcome back Dan, how’s things?
Speaker 1 (00:19):
Welcome back. Very good, thank you Rob. Great to be back from Adelaide. What an event we had.
Speaker 2 (00:25):
Yeah, it’s a cracker, wasn’t it?
Speaker 1 (00:27):
It was great to see all the guys, great to get across some great topics and see so much progress amongst the team, which has been really awesome as we come to the, probably for us, the closing part of the year and start turning an eye a little bit to next year.
Speaker 2 (00:39):
Yeah, we got one more event for the remainder of 2024, which will be a visioneering event for our final leverage group of the year. And yeah, I can’t believe we’re into the sprint into Christmas. It’s scary, isn’t it?
Speaker 1 (00:54):
It is. This part of the year, it always goes so much faster this last little bit. It’s like the sense of the hour class just running out. But no, it’s exciting. It’s been a cracker so far and look forward to finishing strong.
Speaker 2 (01:06):
Yeah, good stuff. Should we get into today?
Speaker 1 (01:09):
I think we should fin’s up. Let’s go.
Speaker 2 (01:11):
Let’s do it. I am really looking forward to this topic. We’ve been talking about this for a while haven’t we?
Speaker 1 (01:19):
We have, it’s something that you raised as a topic. We might even talk about this as where it all came from, but yeah, no, I think it’s close to us as everyone will learn, but yeah, it’s looking forward to getting into it today.
Speaker 2 (01:33):
Yeah, the essence of Pravar Group, Pravar, the word actually means breathe life back into the family. And it’s a big thing that separates us from a lot of other coaching businesses. Not only do we just specialise in trades and construction businesses, but the big thing that clients come to us is because they’re looking at building business and balancing family. They want to build a great business, but they also want to reconnect with their family and get back to the very essence of why they got into business in the first place. And we know that, I just hear it all the time that one of the biggest challenges that deep down below the surface around money and time and all those other things, one of the biggest things that our clients want more than anything when they first get into coaching is just to be a more present husband and father and just be there for their family. And it almost, they feel in an element of guilt, it just grinds their gears internally. It just churns away that they just know they’re not showing up as the best version of themselves and they’re not giving their families the time and any energy and effort that they deserve. And that’s why this topic’s so important. Today we’re going to be talking about the art of being a present dad, and it’s just something that’s very close to home for both of us, isn’t it?
Speaker 1 (02:49):
It is. And I think going beyond that, how did we come up with this topic and the way we’re going to address it today? I think it came out of that initial conversation of we hear it so often, but rather than just go down the path of how do you become more present and doing something generic, being able to step back and really go with it. You asked the question, I remember as we were talking about it one day and you said, do you think there’s a difference between being a parent and a dad? And I remember that being a really cool conversation that we had and as we got to talk about it, we came to that conclusion, the answer was yes. So I think today really trying to come up with, well, what is the difference and how do we show up as one against the other? And what does it mean to be a dad? I think it’s going to be a really cool conversation.
Speaker 2 (03:30):
Where we landed on that is that anyone can be a parent, but very few can be a dad. I think it’s really special, isn’t it?
Speaker 1 (03:38):
It is. And I think it comes out of that sense that being a parent, there’s a lot of obligation with being a good parent. There’s the discipline, there’s the pickups, the drop, the stuff you have to do, the parent checklist if you like. That’s your role. That’s what you’ve signed up for. That’s the responsibility. But being a dad can be a real gift if you really understand the differences and the nuances and you really lean into that role as a dad as opposed to just having to be a parent. There’s a distinct feel for it, which you and I have discussed.
Speaker 2 (04:08):
I know we’ve said it in a lot in previous episodes, but love to a child is not spelt TIME, it’s spelled LOVE, and you just can’t invest too much of it. And being there, being present is really important for our kids. And I know I’m really mindful of this is I know you’ve got older kids. For me, I’ve got a young family and one of the biggest things that I learned early in my journey is that the beliefs, the values, the way that our kids are formed are very much formed by the time they’re 6 and up to 10. But by the time they’re 10, a lot of who they are as a person is formed. And so right now, my kids are right in their formative years. It’s really, and this is why it’s so topical for me because I know where my parents split. I was 10. And so I know the later years between 7, 8, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 for me, when I was right in those formative years, my parents were going through those struggles and they were getting ready to separate and divorce. And so a lot of the challenge that I’ve had growing up has probably come from those formative years. And I know that I just didn’t want to make those same mistakes.
(05:24):
And yes, I love business and I love building businesses and I love what we do in coaching. I love building wealth outside of the business, but I know that one thing’s really important to me right now in my world is being there to pass on my values and the positive beliefs and the things that I’ve learned over my years to really give my kids the best chance. I don’t know where they’re going to end up, but at least I know that if I can give them the best chance writing these formative years, it’s really important to me right now.
Speaker 1 (05:51):
It’ll be, and I think you’re right that I love that saying too, the spelling time, not LOVE. I think the real thing behind that though is that the idea of for you, it is about quality, right? I’ve seen you have moments that you’re at events and I see you do that with the girls and also seeing Ben now, but I think being able to understand that the art of being present isn’t about more, it’s not about quantity, but it is about the quality. And when you are there and when you are being present, you’re absolutely present because that’s the secret to this, right? It’s being where you are not somewhere where you think you need to be, not sort of half being there, being there in body, but your mind somewhere else you get picked up on that kids know that sort of stuff. So for me, I think this idea of being present is all about the quality that we can bring to these moments, not just the quantity of how much time we’re spending because we can’t always just drop the whole world and spend days and days and days no matter how much we might like to as a parent or as a dad, but it’s when those moments do occur, what do we bring to that moment as the dad?
(07:01):
I think that’s a real critical thing that I’d love to get into today.
Speaker 2 (07:04):
Yeah, for sure. And I’ve seen a lot. Ben’s just turned one scarier enough at the end of September, he turned one and he is getting to that age where some of his baby stuff’s gone, and we’ve got three kids now and it’s like, we’ll never have that baby stuff in the house ever again. It’s done. It’s gone. That moment in our lives is not lost, but we’ll never have it again. And so those moments are really precious and grace is off to school next year. And so we are not going to have these moments as our kids grow up. I’m noticing it as our kids grow up really fast. They always say, your kids grow up fast, but those moments are going to be gone. And so it’s about living in the moment and I’ve always got to remind myself that this is live in the moment and be there, be present, be in the moment, be where you are.
(07:58):
I know I’m a high achiever and I’m always thinking around where am I going? What am I doing? What’s next? But it’s, I’ve got to remind, I’ve really got to remind myself it’s not just a time thing, it’s a presence thing. How do I work on mastering the art of being present? And I think it’s remembering to be a dad, not just be a parent. We’ve got to remember to do the two, like you said before. And I think parenting, like you said, is dinners and books and beds and all those types of things. But being a dad, it’s time at the park, it’s pickups, it’s imparting knowledge, showing an interest in them, shaping them, moulding them, teaching them how to be a really good human being. And I think it’s remembering to be so both sides of the equation, isn’t it?
Speaker 1 (08:41):
It is. You really do. Selfishly, you’ll miss a trick if all you’re doing is being a parent. And I think that you miss out on the gift of being a dad at that point. So there are so many good moments, and I look back on it now, I think, and I haven’t shared probably as much as you have about my kids. I’ve got 23-year-old daughter and a 21-year-old son. So I think looking back on it now, what you said about it, going quick is absolutely true. But I look back on those moments and the ones that I remember, there’s been tough parenting conversations and all the shit you usually go through, right? No one gets through unscathed. But at the same time, those moments that I look back on most fondly are the ones where I got to show up as a dad and watching how I grew and developed as a dad, that gave me those gifts of moments. And I think really, but you had to focus on those, right? They don’t just show up and you don’t just get to have them, you need to create them, you need to craft them, you need to grow into ’em. And like you said, you need to remind yourself that there is this element to being a dad that’s more than just showing up for bath time or doing your fair share of the parenting load.
Speaker 2 (09:47):
For sure. So today what we’re going to do is we’re going to be talking about three concepts and they are being available, encouraging curiosity and celebrating discovery, and finally focusing on efforts, not results. So we’re going to really unpack those three things. And then at the end we might talk a bit about your experience, my experience and what’s been really big in our journey of being dads. What do you think?
Speaker 1 (10:13):
Yeah, sounds really good. I look forward to it. I’ll put my thinking cap on about some of that stuff so when we get to it at the end, I’ll be ready to roll, but I like it. Good one.
Speaker 2 (10:20):
Good stuff. Let’s talk about number one, hey, which is being available and that’s really being available on their time and not yours. And that’s a really important part, isn’t it?
Speaker 1 (10:30):
It is. And I think as a dad, this is something that it’s a big jump to sort of understand this because kids need us when they need us and it’s when they need us, not when it’s convenient for us to show up. So I think being present in this sense mean recognising when is your child asking for your attention? When are they asking you for that interaction? When are they looking for that contribution of your time towards something that they’re working on? And that happens quite often when you don’t want it, let’s be honest. I mean, it’s hard to always be there and go, yeah, this is great, but hey, that’s the moment. That’s when you get to show up as a dad, and I emphasise that word you get to, so it’s your choice then whether you step into that moment as a dad or not.
(11:16):
But when it’s on their time and it’s not yours, it’s when that question gets asked. And I think it’s looking at things like how you’re using language about we’ll do this later, we’ll do it soon. Those sort of things that we throw out there. Kids know what those words mean, which is probably no and not likely and all this sort of stuff. They figure that out. But what we need to do is really understand that it’s on their time and we’ve got to be available so when it does come up, we can step in as a dad in that moment.
Speaker 2 (11:44):
I’ve got a great example of this and it’s really topical in my world right now. Obviously we’ve got three kids at home, they do daycare a couple of days a week and everything. But Grace, who’s our oldest is she’s learning pocket money. She wants to learn about money already, which is pretty cool for a 5-year-old. So we’ve got this little framework that which we’re building for her at the moment is chores at chores, but then there’s adding value at home and adding value in the community and she can earn money through those adding value doing certain things. And part of her, she wants to weed at the moment, she’s like, dad, weeding is one of your jobs. And I’m like, yes. So she wants to weed to make money. That’s her thing at the moment. And yesterday I ducked out and I had to go grab something from the streets and she’s like, dad, dad, can you just come and spend a minute with me?
(12:30):
I just want to show you something. I’m like, not now, grace. I’ve got to duck down the street and then I’ve got to get back on a call. And she got really upset and I drove off and I’m like, why don’t I just give it just two minutes? If I gave her two minutes, she would love it. I came straight back and I said, Hey Grace, I’ll just push back my call five minutes, come on, let’s hang out for a couple of minutes. And then Daddy’s got to get on a call and she loved it, but not everyone’s got that ability to be able to do that, but I just know that she got really upset when I’m like, I can’t do it now, let’s do it later. And sometimes you can’t always do it then and there in the moment, but she was the happiest little girl when I just said, Hey, let’s just do it for two minutes. I stuck with her for a couple of minutes and just made her afternoon. But that’s a really great example of being available when they want it. Now you can’t always bend over backwards for them, but it’s just showing an interest when it’s topical for them, for them, and they’re in the moment, I didn’t have my phone on me. I just gave Grace 120% attention for her for two minutes and it just made her time. And that’s an example where it’s quality over quantity on their terms, isn’t it?
Speaker 1 (13:34):
Yeah. Such a great example. I think that’s exactly what we’re talking about. And you’re right, you can’t always do it, but there’s, I think more often than not, if we’re being honest with ourselves, we go the easy route. If the phone rings and it’s one of your children, if they’re a bit older, it’s easy to screen that call a bit busy at the moment or there’s a question that’s going to get asked and you sort of fob that answer off, you don’t stop in that moment and answer that question. You sort of like, oh, not now. I’ll have to answer that later. I’ll come back to it afterwards. And you experienced, you get that hit, and when you get that, you’ve got to be able to be in the moment enough to sort of recognise that and jump in. It only was two minutes. It didn’t interrupt your day, it was just two minutes extra that you needed to spend with Grace to give her that experience and show up as a dad.
Speaker 2 (14:21):
And it made the world tour. And I think being available is a big part of this is when we’re talking about the art of presence and being available on their terms, not ours is making sure that you do put the phone away. It’s making sure that you commit to being undistracted in that moment. It’s the ability to be fully present with them. They’re the little things that we can do where getting rid of the devices and getting rid of all the distractions and just being there in the moment. And yeah, I know your kids are older, mine are younger. I don’t always love playing, making 20 cups of coffee and having pretend donuts and cupcakes and everything. I don’t love that stuff, but it’s like, you know what? That’s what they want to do. And so it’s just being enjoying that moment for them. And I know that the more I do those little things with the kids, they love it, what’s really important to them. So it’s showing up in the moment, being present, getting rid of all the devices and the distractions and just being there for them when they want for sure.
Speaker 1 (15:23):
Yeah, it’s interesting with the devices one, as you say, put it away when the kids are younger, as they get older and they’ve got their own, it’s being able to pick up the device and actually answering the phone call. It’s really interesting now that I think about it because sometimes those calls come in and you’re like, oh God, really? But answering ’em and being available in that moment is still important. It’s still showing up As a dad, you don’t know what they need, you don’t know what they want, but all they know is that they’ve made the effort to dial. Sometimes it’s just to say, good day, how you going? Sometimes it’s with a story about what’s happened still. So don’t underestimate those micro moments when you get to show up on their timeframe.
Speaker 2 (15:57):
Yeah, sure. Let’s turn the corner now to number two, which is encourage curiosity and celebrate discovery. Where do you want to start on this one? This is the big one around helping develop them and enabling them to grow, isn’t it?
Speaker 1 (16:15):
It is. My take on this one, remember I had a job when I was younger, I’ll start, this is sort of stepping back a notch, but I had a job when I was younger at a childcare centre and I was working in maintenance, just uni money, that sort of stuff. And I remember I was cleaning a window one day and this little kid came up to me and he just started going, why are you cleaning the window? And I’m like, it was dirty, but why are you cleaning it? And this question of why went on forever, but it was like 50 versions of the same thing. And then the next time I was there he’d ask me more questions and I was like, God, these kids ask a lot of questions. And I think where I got to with it, and I’ll never forget that story, once I had my own kids, I always remembered what it would’ve been like if I had have just shut that kid down.
(16:59):
I didn’t want to shut him down and go, leave me alone because I didn’t want to be an asshole, be perfectly frank. I was young, I didn’t know about dad stuff. But then when I had my own kids, it sort of reared up again. And encouraging curiosity is always entertaining or addressing the question, letting the question be asked. Don’t try and snuff that out. And going beyond just telling children what to do all the time, here’s the answer to it, here’s the way you do it, it’s this way or it’s not that way. These statements that we make to kids, we can shut down so much development and so much enjoyment for both of us, our kids and us as dads, but being able to encourage curiosity by asking more questions than giving all the answers because this then bleeds into building a growth mindset, trying to discover what’s happening and allowing kids to develop their own critical thinking skills. So what you want to do is really get into encouraging curiosity, ask the questions, help them go on their own little learning knowledge discovery thing. And then when that happens, you get to celebrate that together and you get to share in that amazing experience of when a kid discovers something new for the first time because you were there for it and you encouraged the learning to happen.
Speaker 2 (18:11):
What I love about similarities between leadership and being a great dad is they’re so intertwined is that I know coaching has made me a good leader. A leader’s made me a good dad, A good dad has made me a good coach. A good coach has made me a good leader because they’re all intertwined. As you think about it, what makes a great coach is not telling the client what to do, it’s asking them to go on that journey of discovery. Now our listeners aren’t all coaches, but in some way you are coaching your team and you are leading them. So what’s going to make you a great leader is not telling your ground crew, your office crew or your ops team what to do. It’s asking them questions to get them to think for themselves. And then you can practise that skill in the office and in the business, then you can practise it at home.
(18:56):
And then the more you practise it at home, your kids are going to teach you to be a better dad, which is going to teach you to be a better leader. And there’s so many similarities and crossovers from this is that this is where business and family fuels each other because if you show up as a better leader and transfer those skills onto the home front and then be challenged on the home front and then transfer them back into the business front, everything flourishes. And so look for these little learning opportunities along the way is there’s so much correlation between leadership and being a great dad isn’t there?
Speaker 1 (19:28):
There is. And there’s nothing that spurs things like creativity, for instance, asking questions. These sort of things bleed into helping individuals make better choices and better decisions. So whether it’s on the work front or at home, like you’re saying, being able to teach your child to make better decisions and make the right choice at the right time when it comes up in their life later on comes from their ability to think critically and on their own. So the best way to do that is not being the encyclopaedia of knowledge and whatever you say goes, but hey, how would you do it? What do you think is a great question to ask your kids or even people at work?
Speaker 2 (20:07):
I’ve learned this a lot from Jacq, my wife, she’s a primary school teacher and I don’t know, I’m a bit of a Mr. Fix it guy. So my natural reaction to going is go, well, this is the answer. So I’ve had to learn a lot and I notice a lot with the Jacqui, Jack Grace or Maddie will ask a question going, what is this? And Jacq will just fire straight back and go, what do you think? And it’s like we might be talking about colours is what does red and what does red and blue make? I don’t know. What do you think? Oh yeah, it’s that. And so I’ve learned a lot from Jacq in that instance where she’s developed that skill through being a teacher, being a great mom, and she’s an awesome mom to our kids, but I’ve learned a lot from her in that instance where she just fires straight back and goes, well, what do you think?
(20:55):
And not in that tone, but what do you think? And it’s in a nice way of asking to the kids and it’s getting them to think for themselves. It creates that mindset of, as you said, growth, curiosity, expansion, questioning, being inquisitive, being a great leader, thinking outside the box. And I know that’s something that’s really important to me is developing our kids to be great leaders in their own right in whatever path that they choose. And part of that is getting them to expand their minds early on in their years. So getting them to open their minds and do those types of things is an important part of us to be able to help them develop that skill whilst they’re young or older as well.
Speaker 1 (21:32):
Yeah, it is. And I think it gives you that gift. Again, if we’re coming back to what the gifts are of this sort of stuff, it gives you a great conversation. You have some of the best, most memorable conversations with your kids just from asking a question. You can’t believe what they’re telling you as answers or how their minds work, but at least you get that experience of having a great conversation. And I think at a deeper level, the other thing that I like and especially my eldest, is my daughter. And I remember when she was born, I’d never grew up around girls. It was an all boys house in our house, so I had no idea how to parent a girl. What do you mean? I’ve got no idea. But as I got into just doing some of this stuff and asking more questions, I could really get the sense that it made her feel heard and valued for her opinions.
(22:16):
And I think especially I think in the society we’re still in with the way the dynamics work. Having a daughter that feels valued and heard and able to voice her opinion is critically important. And just the same with your sons, having them to be able to state confidently what the answer to a question is and being able to feel like they’re heard and valued for what they think is such a big, big part of it. And I think as a dad, just being able to stop and ask questions is a great way for us to contribute to that.
Speaker 2 (22:47):
And let’s be clear here. When you are working 70, 80, 100 hours a week, you’re not showing up as a present dad. You’re not there for your kids. You don’t have time to ask questions around how your kids are going and you’re so busy, tired and stressed and worn out work and crazy hours. If that isn’t a big enough jab into the side to be able to get you to wake up and make change, then I don’t know what is your family’s relying on you? They’re looking at you to model this behaviour because you think about our kids is that they look at what we do and they listen to what we say.
(23:24):
And I want to challenge you listening today around how are you showing up as a dad right now and how are you really being present? Because you can’t encourage curiosity and celebrate discovery when you’re not even fucking present, when you’re not even there to begin with. You can’t even do these things. So it’s really, for a lot of blokes in the business world, it’s time to fucking change. You got to make the choice to make the change and actually get on with making that change so you can not only show up and not only grow your business, but show up for your family because they’re desperate for you. Your wife wants a husband back and your kids want their father back. It’s time, it’s time to make change and you just can’t do these things when you’re not even present, let alone having any time with ’em at all.
Speaker 1 (24:17):
Yeah. You spoke about earlier around your memories of growing up and what it was like at home and the dynamic and your dad. I think everyone can do that, right? Everyone can go back and go, well, remember growing up, what was your dad? If you had your dad around, everyone’s got that memory and it lasts, right? No matter how old you are, I’m 50, and you can hear about that. I’m actually a bit old, I’ll be honest, but I, I’m 51 and I can remember what that was growing up and what my dad was like. And I think being able to remember that the good, the bad, everything that was thrown in there that lasts. So how do you want your kids to remember you? How do you want that relationship to be cast in stone for that such a influential part of their lives? What do you want to be showing up as a dad and where is the bar set for you? And then as you just said, how are you showing up right now and how do you start to close that gap because time does tick. All of this starts to stack up over time and you need to make some changes and start now.
Speaker 2 (25:15):
Yeah, for sure. Alright, let’s go to topic number three, focusing on effort, not results. This is a big one and this is really, again, we can correlate this back to with our team members as well, but let’s keep it purely on the family side of things. It’s really acknowledging that effort and that behaviour and the effort that they put in, not just acknowledging when they do something good or bad. We’ve got to be really mindful of not labelling good and bad. It’s acknowledging the effort, isn’t it?
Speaker 1 (25:45):
It’s there’s such an emphasis placed on results and you look at what came about and you get picked for certain things. If you’re in certain fields like sports and things like that, there’s always a look at the award you got, what does that certificate say for excellence in whatever it was or a great result on a test. So much of a kid’s life is revolving around results and sure you praise the results and it’s great, but the danger of that is you don’t always get the result, but you can always do the work. And I think this focusing on efforts and not results is not just us sort of coming up with what do we think? This is sort of grounded in research that’s probably still recent. I would say Carol Dweck wrote a book called Mindset, and in that she talks about a growth mindset versus a fixed mindset.
(26:34):
And really when it comes to parenting and kids and even showing up as a dad, I think more than anything else is remembering that the growth and their learning comes from trying not just from being perfect, not getting the best result. Sure you want that, but you can’t emphasise that at the expense of the effort because if you can get your child hooked on the fact that, Hey, I’m working my ass off here and I’m really trying hard and that’s recognised and that’s moving me forward, it’s the effort, it’s not the result. You’re just setting up such a much more positive dynamic and I think you’re starting to bring into that relationship. Let’s work on this together. There’s that sense of there’s work to be done, I can ask for help. It’s not too late. I don’t have to be shut down and think I’m no good at this. I’m not going to try because dad’s not going to be cheering for me if I don’t get the result. And I think that’s so much of old school versus new school if I think back to it. But I think this idea of focusing on their efforts and not just obsessing over results is something that’s so powerful and so helpful.
Speaker 2 (27:31):
Yeah, it’s using little things like, I love how hard you worked on that, or I’m super proud of you for putting in the effort there, or you’re super talented or I’m loving how you’re putting in such a big effort in making that work kind of thing. It’s just using statements like that and positive reinforcement and affirmations for our kids. It’s those positive words and reinforcement to our kids, which go a long way, don’t they?
Speaker 1 (27:58):
Yeah, it is. I’ll just clarify that one you said about you’re so talented instead of saying you are so talented is what you meant. So I loved how hard you’re working on that, the effort you put in to build that or whatever it was, even what Grace was doing, and she took you out in the backyard and showed you something. It’s like, I love the effort that you put in there. That’s amazing. You work really hard on that and acknowledging the fact that there’s work that goes into results, just being able to do that as a dad is so important. And for a lot of us as we grew up, it was all about results. It was just, what’s the end result? If we got the outcome, good, keep moving on. No one’s in trouble. But those days, I think it doesn’t help with resilience when you do that. And I think that’s the big payoff of doing this one, if you like. The gift of this is you have children that become resilient, they’re proud of their effort and they’re willing to give their best effort rather than just look for a result that might come easier, which would bring the praise at the end of the day regardless.
Speaker 2 (28:54):
I’m really mindful of that with our kids of multiple times a day, telling ’em I love them when I see ’em in the morning, it’s like, all right, dad’s off to work, love you, kind of thing. And at night always tell ’em I love ’em, and multiple times a day, it’s like it’s just looking for little moments around that where you tell your kids you love them, tell them that you’re proud of ’em, acknowledging when they put in the effort. It’s this looking for moments to say that because those words of affirmation go a long way and developing it just helps ’em develop that. Now you never know where your kids are going to end up. You can put all this effort into your kids and they might go off the rails later in life. You never know because that’s when they get to a certain age that they start making choices for themselves. And I don’t know where my kids are going to end up, but I just know that, tell ’em my kids, I love ’em. Tell ’em I’m proud of ’em and acknowledging when they do great things is super important to me. And that’s what me, to me, is being showing up as a great dad and being present in those moments. And not saying it because it’s off the cuff, but saying it because I, and that’s what being a great dad means to me for sure.
Speaker 1 (30:10):
Yeah, I agree. I think the presence factor of this one is that if you are present and you’re there for the challenge and you’re focused on that, you’re present in that moment of all the work that goes into it. If you’re not present as a dad, then you’ll probably land on the other side of this where judgement gets cast at the end of it all. It either fits the mark or it doesn’t fit the mark. I’m there at the end to give the judgement on whether it was worthy of praise or love or whatever it was. But as you are talking about there, being able to step into that moment and be present as they’re working through it, knowing that they’re loved, regardless of the result, the work as you do it, all of that is a constant. So I think what that does is when they go into a challenge and there’s challenges in their world, it’s head down, focus on the effort, knowing that regardless of the result, as long as the effort’s there, I’m going to have dad’s support, he’s love, I can ask questions, I can ask for help, the results, it’s great and we’ll celebrate that and it’s always good, but I know that I’ve got to put this effort in.
(31:05):
I think that it breeds the fact that they want to grow rather than sort of shy away from that challenge and sort of build up the fact that dad’s love or whatever it is, comes with the approval of the results I get. And if you can show up as a dad and be present, you’ll get so much more out of the relationship, the journey, the moments, all of that, if you can do that in the moment of the effort. So that’s really where this whole idea of praising and being present for the effort rather than just showing up for the judgement on the result end of it, is something I think that has a huge impact on kids as they go through growing up.
Speaker 2 (31:40):
Linking this back to that thing around Love to have child is spelt TIME. I think one of the biggest mistakes that a lot of business owners make is that they have this mindset, well, if I’m providing for the family, then that’s my job. And I was speaking to a business guy the other day, he’s like working crazy hours and business has been all consuming over the last number of years, but it’s been all right. It’s given my wife the opportunity to be there for our kids. And in my mind I was like, that’s just a fucking justification for you not showing up. And so I hit him with it and I said, well mate, how does that make you feel? Like, yeah, your wife’s gone and getting to spend great time with your kids, but you are not. How does that make you feel? And he’s like, oh, I feel pretty shit about it. I said, well, how long has this been going on for? He’s like years. I’m like, well mate, why do you keep doing this? Why? Why do you keep doing this way? And he’s like, I don’t know what to do. I dunno how to change. I feel stuck. I’m like, dude, let’s do something. Let’s get on with it and make change. But in his mind, he was fucking justifying to himself around, well, I’m doing this and I’m providing that and I’m giving my wife the opportunity to do this with her kids, but deep down he’s eating himself away because he’s not there and he’s missed out on years of precious moments with his kids purely because he hasn’t made the choice to actually make a change.
(32:59):
He’s just been settling in the circumstances that we is in. So if that’s you and you are listening and you’re like, fuck, this is me, this is your wake up call, make change, time goes fast. Your kids grow up and your kids want you to be there. It doesn’t matter if they’re three 13 or 30, it’s never too late. I’m seeing it with my dad, and he’s been this great over the last number of years that he’s been putting in a massive effort to be there because he missed out on a lot when we were growing up. And I love him showing up as a great granddad and a great dad, and he’s doing that for our kids. So it’s never too late to make change. You just got to make the choice to make the change because you really want to do it.
Speaker 1 (33:42):
Yeah, I think when people justify that and we hear clients say it and it’s like, oh, well, I’m working hard. It’s providing, it’s doing all of this. You get to avoid feeling the guilt, some sort of justification for it, but then the cost of that justification is the relationships that you’re not having at home, be it with your wife or in this instance with your kids. You don’t get to be a dad. Is that worth the cost of being able to justify not feeling guilty and not making a change? It’s really hard to, when you look at the whole picture holistically and you think about it being a dad and not just showing up as a provider or a parent, like we said at the start, if you can really focus on that, it puts things into focus pretty sharply pretty quickly for a lot of guys.
Speaker 2 (34:24):
Hopefully you’ve taken a bit out of this episode. We’ve covered a lot of ground. I think it’s been important that Dan you and I have shared our experiences. We’ve shared a few stories of clients and everything. Really, the big part out of today is we really wanted to distinguish the difference between being a dad and being a parent, and hopefully we did that at the start. We also really wanted to hit home the importance of being present in the moment, being present in the moment. It’s not just about quantity, it’s about quality. I use that example with Grace. It was two minutes. That was the best two minutes ever for her. There’s kids have, especially young kids, they have no concept of time, older kids do. But I think it’s really important to be able to really do that. And I really love the three concepts that we spoke around about being available, encouraging curiosity, and focusing on effort, not results. It was, they’re nice three little frameworks that we spoke through. And so our challenge to you is to be able to really pick one of them. It’s just picking one and starting in that moment, isn’t it Dan? And not trying to make sweeping changes as a dad overnight. That’s the ability to pick one and really just start showing up and be 1% better on a day-to-day basis by picking one and really putting that effort in, isn’t it?
Speaker 1 (35:46):
It is. And even when you pick that one, I think it’s not about being perfect with any of this. It’s an art. This is the art of being present as a dad. It’s not the science of it. It’s not the perfect way or a secret or a formula. It’s just how do you try and build this art of being a dad up in your world? So when you do this, that one, two minute thing for every two minutes that you get with grace in a moment like that, there’s probably still going to be 3, 4, 5, I don’t know what it is, but there’s going to be those moments where you still miss it, but that’s okay. You’re still working on it. So it’s always going to be a work in progress, I think. And it’s constantly changing. Your kids are growing up, like you said, you’re changing as a person, as a dad, as a leader, as a businessman. There’s so many moving parts to this, but these three I think are really good ways to anchor onto something and try and create those moments of presence that you might be missing.
Speaker 2 (36:35):
Yeah, I’m not perfect. I’m sure you’re not either. I still get snappy and saying things in the wrong tone. I’m like, oh, that was the wrong tone to say that. And I get snappi the kids and business is stressful. I get tired and worn out. I’m not perfect at this. But I think the difference is is that we’re making an effort and we’re making an effort, and we see this with our clients as well, is that they’re making an effort. And this is our challenge for you listening today is make a choice to make change. You and I weren’t taught to be great parents. We are learning it. It’s a field. It’s a thing that we are having to learn and get better at every single day. And that comes through trial and error and finding your own groove and reading books and listening to podcasts on parenting. And that’s why we love getting Dr. Justin Colson in. We’ve had him in as a couple of times as a keynote speaker for our lifestyle clients, clients as a parenting expert. So good to have him in twice now, just to sharpen our saws in terms of being better dads and better parents. We’ve learned a lot from guys like him that can just teach us to get better every single day.
Speaker 1 (37:50):
Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. I think it remains, it’s still the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do is be a dad, but it’s the most joyful thing. I mean, we get a lot of joy and a lot back from coaching, but geez, it pals into insignificance. When you get to really show up and be a dad, I think there’s nothing greater.
Speaker 2 (38:11):
So Dan, to round out, let’s talk about one thing each that’s really stuck with us in our journey. What’s one thing that stuck with you the most is showing up as a husband, a father, and as a parent? What’s that one thing for you?
Speaker 1 (38:29):
I think the reminder for me, my son played a lot of elite level sport, and I think it’s no matter what role you have in your life, a coach for us, it’s a business owner. It’s a leader. Whatever it is that’s going on in your world, your child wants you to show up as a dad first and foremost. And I think remembering to be their dad is just the catchphrase that sticks in my mind the most. Remember to be their dad. That’s all they want.
Speaker 2 (38:57):
Yeah, love it. Just showing up for ’em regardless of what they do and who they are and everything. It’s just being there for them, isn’t it?
Speaker 1 (39:04):
Yeah. No matter what, you know, can bring to a situation, no matter what’s in your toolkit and what you can throw it, throw at a problem, whatever it might be, they don’t care. None of that impresses them. It’s like, just show up as a dad and work on some of this stuff because that’ll give you so much more impetus and so much more development and growth in your children and yourself.
Speaker 2 (39:26):
Yeah, I love it. Awesome.
Speaker 1 (39:28):
What about you? What have you got for us?
Speaker 2 (39:30):
For me, I’ve always loved that the Bruce Lee quote that said, instead of buying your children all the things you never had, you should teach them all the things you were never taught. And that quote’s probably always stuck with me. And I think it’s because I learned that how vulnerable our kids are and how much they watch and they model our behaviours and how we show up and what we do and what we say, and our role as a dad isn’t about just buying them the best things that they can have. And I think that’s a mistake that a lot of dads make, is that they think they have to be a provider and they think they have to buy their kids all the latest shit. And that quote’s always stuck with me because it’s been there as a reminder to provide a great life for our family, but teach ’em all the things that I wish I was taught. And I’m seeing that at the moment with our kids. Maddie, not so much. She’s only three, she’s still learning and she’s getting to that age, but I know with Grace especially, she’s five and a half now, but I’m teaching her morning routines. I’m teaching her the morning routine around do this, do this, and make your bed and turn the clock off and open the blinds and turn your sound machine off and change the colour of the fox. I’ve got that. I’m working with her on a morning routine. She’s already showing an interest around earning money, and so I’m teaching her around money already if she’s five, which is awesome, we’re bringing that conversation to the table with, she’s shown interest, we’re jumping onto it, which is pretty cool. Words of affirmation, just teaching her around and Maddie around words of affirmation around being wary of the language that I use and the language
(41:18):
That I say. And I know that one of my favourite books for kids is Dreams. It’s a Sesame Street book, and I used to read that to the kids all the time, and I’m getting ready to start reading it to Ben and just those little moments that make me want to be a better dad and teach them all the things that around routines and habits and mindset and stuff that hopefully they can grow with and adopt and be the best versions that they can, regardless of where they choose to go in life. It’s just teaching all those things that I’ve had the privilege of being able learn and master in my world. So yeah, that’s what I love the most about being a dad.
Speaker 1 (42:03):
I love it. That’s so cool. And I think it is, it sounds dry when you’re like, we’re doing morning routines, but what you’re giving them is experiences, and those experiences become the stories they tell in years to come. So I think it’s so cool. It’s awesome. Really good.
Speaker 2 (42:17):
Alright, awesome. Really great episode. We’re keen to hear from you. What was your biggest takeaway from today’s episode? Today’s been very much around family and how you show up and really starting to master this art of being a present dad. And so we’d love to hear from you, so make sure you jump over into the Trade Den Facebook community and let us know what your biggest takeaway was from today’s episode. What hid home to you the most, and what’s that one thing that you’re going to work on so that you can show up and be the best version of yourself for your family.
Speaker 1 (42:52):
Yeah, I love it. Enjoy it.
Speaker 2 (42:55):
Alright, thanks for tuning in today. Looking forward to coming back to you next week with another great episode. Thanks heaps.
Speaker 1 (43:00):
See you soon.