Episode 78 Podcast Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):

My whole identity was centred around me as the businessman, and that’s why I was feeling like I was a terrible dad and a terrible husband, and I just wasn’t living to what I believed was true that I wanted to live to.

Speaker 2 (00:20):

I’ve. Hi everyone. Rob Kropp and Dan Stones here from Pravar Group and welcome back to another episode of The Trade Den. Good to have you back, Dan. How are you?

Speaker 3 (00:28):

Good to be back. Hi everyone. Yeah, great to be back with another client feature. Really looking forward to talking today to Dane Middleton from Hampton Homes and really looking forward to hearing a story that’s probably a little bit different to what we’ve heard of. So Dane’s waiting in the wings. Good day. Dane, how are you?

Speaker 1 (00:45):

Good day, Dan. Good day, Rob, how are you?

Speaker 3 (00:47):

We’re excellent mate. Really looking forward to talking to you. There’s a great story here. You’ve been around for a while at Pravar, so I’m really looking forward to going through this and hopefully sharing a little bit of a different perspective on some of the stories we’ve told before. So we’ll get into that. But to start with, let’s start with a little bit of background. Introduce yourself to everyone that’s listening and just talk a little bit about where you’re based, where you grew up and a little bit about you from way back in the day.

Speaker 1 (01:15):

Okay, so I’m Dave Middleton. I run a construction business company, Hamptons Home Sydney. I grew up in Sydney, northwest suburbs, the hills area. To be specific, I went to a school called Crestwood and I was one of three children. I was a middle child and yeah, come from a pretty standard family and yeah, just basically my background story.

Speaker 3 (01:50):

Cool. I’m interested in this question. I’ve never asked you this, I can’t believe I haven’t, but I’ve got a very clear picture in my mind. What sort of kid were you like growing up? Were you active, sporty, whatever it was? I don’t want to try and preempt, but what sort of kid were you growing up?

Speaker 1 (02:03):

You already know this answer, man. I was so active. I was into every sport, specifically football or what we call soccer here in Australia, but I was playing that every chance that I could and I was actually quite a decent player when I was quite younger and I played a lot of rep teams, got to about 18 and just called it quits. But yeah, a lot of people that I played with in my rep teams, they went on to play for Australia and play overseas. So I, yeah, I look back now and all I wanted to be growing up was a professional football player for a very long time.

Speaker 3 (02:40):

Very heavily. I think we were both the same growing up in terms of the aspirations in our sporting endeavours. So what position did you play mate?

Speaker 1 (02:49):

I was a very good striker and then they transitioned me into a left fullback, which I did very well at, but I didn’t totally enjoy. And then when my speed diminished, I started, I went back into midfield. But yeah, growing up, man, I was just banging in goals at the front and centre. Apparently my dad had all his trophies of me, how many goals I used to score, so yeah.

Speaker 3 (03:12):

Nice. When your speed diminished, you just said you were around 18 at the Timet. Tell me your speed diminished when you were 18.

Speaker 1 (03:19):

Look, I stopped from 18 to about 23 or 24 and then I picked it back up in my mid twenties and then went back and played state league again and started playing half decent again and before that age, that’s when I got to my thirties.

Speaker 3 (03:34):

That makes more sense. That makes more sense. That’s good. Tell when you started to have the shift and you start thinking about next chapters from professional football and stuff, what was your aim for a job? Did you always know you wanted to go into trades and building? Was it something that was in the family or is it something you just picked up and knew you wanted to do?

Speaker 1 (03:55):

My dad was a project manager for a building company. He did that his whole life. I knew really early on that I was going to be a tradie. I always did the woodworking to be honest with, I remember a very distinct conversation I had with my mom. I think I was in year seven or year eight and she was out, I was in the garden. I come out and I said to her, when can I leave school? She said, year 10, end of year 10 if you got a job. And I remember at that point I’m like, man, school is just not for me. I did what I needed to do to get where I needed to go, but man, it just sitting down all day just was not me. So yeah, 16, finished my high school certificate at year 10 and got myself apprenticeship and away I went.

Speaker 3 (04:46):

Nice. Did you enjoy your apprenticeship or was it sort of not what you expected?

Speaker 1 (04:50):

I did. The first two years were a bit a shock to the system. Obviously you’re pretty young at 16, you’re very raw, you don’t really know what you’re doing. The first two years I kind of just ambled by and just did what I needed to do and then when I got to my third year, I finished the apprenticeship and then I decided straight from then I would go in and do my builder’s licence. So I think I was 19 at the time when I started my builder builder’s licence, so I was going to TAFE three nights a week. All my mates were out having fun, and here I am doing TAFE Wednesday night, Thursday night, Friday night. This is actually Friday nights as well. So work all day and then between 6 and 10 o’clock at night, I was doing the builder’s licence and then did that for two years and finished it. And then yeah, from 22 I started my own business. So I was quite young, very raw, but I always had that ambition to do my own thing. It’s just inside me where I like to be someone who takes control of situations and does that sort of stuff.

Speaker 3 (06:01):

Yeah. You come across as someone that’s got a really clear vision. I think the fact that you run Hamptons Homes and the niche that you’re in and the types of houses you build, did you always have that as sort of a master plan with building in terms of what you wanted to build or were you just straight up, I just want to build, I’m getting into building and you fell into what became the niche of the business that you’ve got now?

Speaker 1 (06:20):

Yeah, I just kind of fell into it. So it started out as DBM carpentry services, so I was just a very broad company that I started and I used to, you’d do anything when you first start, you know what I mean? I was contracting to other builders, I was just doing anything I could to get by then, build up a couple of relationships and got some decent jobs under my wing. But it wasn’t until 2016, 2017 where I really, I was renovating my own house, to be honest with you, and building our own house and love that Hampton style. And it was only through that process that of doing that. I just had a light bulb moment where I’m like, I love this style. At that time it was very, no one was doing it at all, and I just was driving home from a job one time and I just had the idea of like, I’m just going to focus on this. And that’s where Hampton’s Home, Sydney started, to be honest with you.

Speaker 3 (07:17):

Yeah, I like it. It’s really cool. I love those origin stories and how you end up doing what you’re doing now. That little gap or that little spark, the drive home, whatever it was that comes up. Let’s talk through, fast forward a little bit from around those years. Let’s get into when we first met you in coaching, and I think this is where the story sort of really kicks off. Obviously a lot of water under the bridge and a lot of stuff was going on in your world, but around that, I think it was around April 2021, 2020 sort of times late 2020, early 2021, you sort of met Rob and started talking, but what was Hampton Homes looking like that in that sort of business sense? And where were you at business wise at the time?

Speaker 1 (07:58):

Well, Hampton’s home was in its infancy, so we really launched it in 2018. That’s when it started. So it was in its infancy, very exciting times, but because when you’ve got this new project that you’re working on, I was really, really excited. We just landed two decent projects and was working through them, but from the outside it looked like everything was going fantastic to everyone. We had a great, what I thought was a great relationship. We had three young kids, had a beautiful business, a beautiful house that featured on TV shows, basically award-winning homes from the outside looking in, everything was perfect, but inside I was just a anxious wreck stress ball, to be honest with you. And I didn’t know what was wrong with me, if I’m being honest with you. I had no idea what was wrong. And come September, 2020, it was a breakdown in my marriage, which was a 20 year relationship. It wasn’t something that was, we’d been together since we were 17, 18 years of age, grew up together basically. I’d never lived with anyone apart from my parents and then my wife. So I’d never lived alone, basically a whole adult life with this one person, started a family, started a business, all these sort of things. But yeah, come September, 2020 and all the rug got ripped out and it was the start of this long journey back to just normality really.

Speaker 3 (09:43):

Yeah, and this is, I think where it’s different. I mean in a sense, and I don’t want to sound like I’m brushing over it, but the horse had sort of bolted. When people come to coaching, usually there’s a sense of, Hey, I can see something on the horizon or I’m a bit dissatisfied with something and things need to change for you, and I know it’s hard to talk about, but just the extent to which you came to coaching and it was almost like the separation had happened. The business was where it was, you were where you’re at, there was no sort of decline. You sort of came to us at almost a rock bottom moment, right?

Speaker 1 (10:18):

I was at absolute rock bottom. Rock bottom.

Speaker 3 (10:22):

What was that call when you reached out to Rob? Was it a desperation thing or was it a moment you already decided that you were going to change or were you at that point where it was like, I just need to reach out to someone and see if there’s a hand that comes out to reach back?

Speaker 1 (10:38):

Yeah, I had no idea what I was doing. I was at the point of you were just in so much pain that it was just a daily survival at that point. You know what I mean? Everything that I knew, everything I’d worked my whole life for was basically in my eyes gone. And obviously I’m like, no, I don’t want this to end. I’m going to do whatever I can do. So when I first stumbled across Pravar, which was a weird way of coming across it, but it was the way that the universe works. When I finally got through to Rob, my whole focus and my whole purpose to start coaching was to get my family back together. That was my total focus. I didn’t know anything beyond that. There was no, I didn’t have anything apart from I’m just going to start coaching because it can’t, whatever I was doing was wrong. I was doing everything wrong.

Speaker 3 (11:36):

Yeah, I remember the onboarding process when we started talking and you started getting into coaching. I think the other thing was how you were coping with all of that at the time. I mean, it wasn’t like you weren’t throwing yourself into business at that point as a distraction or anything like that. It was almost like, it was almost like a, what the fuck just happened? And there was a lot of anger, if I remember it correctly, around why am I in this position and what am I going to do next? There was no real plan at the time.

Speaker 1 (12:03):

I had no plan. I went from living in a beautiful home to two bedroom shithole. Basically I was paying mortgage and then rent. We had three young kids, three boys I think at that time they were six four, and Sonny was one and a half years old, which I was looking after 50% of the time. So to be honest with you, looking back on it, I have no idea what I was thinking. But yeah, I don’t even know how I kept going. I remember that call with Rob and I, it was around September, October, so it was about eight weeks after the separation and I said, look, I want to start in the new year. My head was just completely all over the shop and Rob’s like, no, start now. And I couldn’t even fathom, how can I even start coaching when I wasn’t even sleeping?

(13:06):

Everything was just, it wasn’t eating, it was horrendous. But I just basically when you’re in that much pain, you do anything, anything that’s going to potentially reduce it. So I was like, oh, I’ll just start coaching. And I jumped in. So I started in November, and I think you probably came onboarding in around March of 21. So we were kind of parallel when you started with Pravar. It wasn’t long after, but I’ve been in it for about two or three months at that stage, and I was doing everything in the business. So if we go back to how it got to this, got to this point. So you start a business at 22 years of age, you leave school when you’re 16, what do you actually really know about business? I was a very good tradesman, very good, very good with my hands. My quality work was always notch, but that’s all I knew.

(14:07):

And I was reasonably good with money. So money was never an issue. I always was very pretty good with money, but when it came to any structure of the business, actually knowing what a margin was, knowing anything about business, if there was a job or a role in the business, I was doing it. So at that point, it got to the point where I was the carpenter on site. I was a site supervisor, I was a project manager. If a new client called me, I would be the first port of call. I didn’t even have a bookkeeper. I was literally paying all the guys. I was paying everyone.

(14:50):

I was even doing zero reconciles. And literally I looked back at one time and I’m like the nine jobs, fundamental jobs that you do in a business, if you employ someone to do one on average, let’s just say they was 60, $70,000 a year, and I should have been making five or $600,000 a year. I wasn’t even making it even close to that. And I was just absolutely stressed to the marks, but didn’t know that I was stressed when it just creeps up on you. So slowly I just take on another role, take on another role, and mate, I was broken but didn’t know why.

Speaker 3 (15:34):

Yeah, it’s one of the most powerful, probably onboardings I’ve had. I remember that. I’ve got a vision of you sitting in that apartment and us talking, and I think that was where you’d had that realisation by then through what you’d done already. The main thing became having a relationship with your kids and how do you start offloading at least some of these hats? Otherwise I’m never going to see ’em. I went back and read the call notes that we keep and going back all those years to that very first one, it was the big thing that came out of that first chat was We’ve got to get you some support. There’s got to be some admin, there’s got to be some offloading. We’ve got to get rid of some hats because until we do that, you are just going to get feel worse and worse. And not only that, you had this whole personal turmoil that was going on in the background where you knew your life was going to change. I think by that point it was just a matter of how, but you had no tools, no time, no team really around you to help you navigate that. You were literally on your own in a dark room.

Speaker 1 (16:27):

Yeah, look, I had a crew of carpenters, a couple of carpenters and a couple of apprentices, but with no structure, everything was relying on me. I couldn’t even have a holiday. Literally the only time I had holidays was at Christmas time. And you would take those three or four weeks off the first two weeks, you just melted from the year that you had, and then you slowly start to relax into someone for those final two weeks. And then just as you start feeling okay, bang, you straight back into work again. And then, look, I was a very present father even throughout this stuff, and I was doing literally the best of what I thought was the right way to go about it. And I was always there for my kids at sport swimming lessons. I never was not present, but there’s a difference between being present just in body and present in mind.

(17:18):

And I was not present in mine at all. I was pushing my kids on swing. I remember pushing my kids on the swing in the backyard and just being a million miles away, and they’re there talking to me, and then I’m like, what did you say? Just not there. And if I was like that with my kids, that’s how I was with my wife at the time. You’re trying to do everything what you think is right, and what I thought was right, but it was just all wrong. And I was actually nothing to know, and I wasn’t even anything to myself. There was times where I was at kids’ birthday parties with all my mates, and I remember on Sundays we’d be around standing in a circle, everyone chatting, having a beer, having a laugh. And I just remember being there and it was out of body experiences like being there, everyone’s talking and laughing, and I was just like, man, I don’t even want to be here.

(18:17):

I don’t even want to be talking. I didn’t even know why I was feeling horrible. I couldn’t put anything on it. But yeah, just I’ll put it back now, it was just all stress and overwhelm of not trusting anyone to do a job. I always thought that I could do it better than anyone else. I know we talk about it now, like fixed mindset versus growth mindset. But looking back on it now, my mindset was so fixed that no one could do a job better than me when you’re drowning in work. There was times when my ex-wife, she’d be like, why don’t you get a bookkeeper? And in my head I’m like, why? So I sit there and take months and months to explain to ’em I can do it quicker and faster myself. You know what I mean? I had mindset that when you’re that busy, I didn’t even have time to go, oh, you know what, if I invest three or four weeks here or a month here or two months here, I’ll buy back this time. I just saw that as additional work that, and I was just flatlining at that point, so I couldn’t even think about, even offloading work was just, I was already at max beyond Max.

Speaker 3 (19:28):

Rob this is something we see all the time in terms of guys doing this, but I think that the highlight with Dane’s story, that the real punchline is we’ve seen now where we’ve got this situation where the effect of the stress, the stretching, the wearing of all the hats has really taken hold, and there’s been a real consequence of that that’s spilled over from just, yeah, I’m a bit overworked, or, yeah, I’m a bit not present, or I can still rescue this thing. So I think it’s it the bright line for someone to be able to see this and go, shit, I can recognise some of this stuff and then take it to that next level of if there’s no change or even why we emphasise it so much in coaching as a first step.

Speaker 2 (20:06):

This is the different side of the story that most people don’t see. I think they’re aware that if they go down their current trajectory, this is what happen. But Dane’s story is what happens if you stay on the same path. It’s a reality check. That’s what today’s story is. I experienced this firsthand as a young fellow growing up, which is why Pravar exists, which means Pravar, the word means breathe life back into the family. Because I was the equivalent of Dane’s sons who my sister and I saw a family fall apart purely because of the way that my dad was operating. And that’s why Dane was attracted to Pravar because Dan’s the equivalent of my dad, which is the purpose around why we do what we do here at Pravar. And I’ve experienced as a young fella, it’s bloody hard seeing your family fall apart because of a marriage that falls over.

(21:01):

But this is a wake up call for those who are listening who are tired, are stressed, aren’t present, they’re worn out, they’re stretched, they’re disconnected from the very reason they got into business, yet they think that it will just sort itself out. If I keep pushing, it doesn’t fucking sort itself out. You have to make change to fix it, otherwise it’s inevitable what’s going to happen. You’re either going to have a relationship that deteriorates and that becomes soulless. Or at some point your relationship with your wife and your kids falls over at some point. And so your story is on the other side of most people think that, oh, this will never happen to me. But it happens if you continue down the same path. And that’s why Dan, your story is so powerful because it’s almost like, Hey guys, I made those mistakes and I didn’t do anything about it, but this is what you can do to fix it, isn’t it?

Speaker 1 (21:56):

A hundred percent? I didn’t, it’s funny you talk about thing with your dad, but for me, I didn’t even know. I thought our relationship was all right, and I thought, oh, why would we leave? We’ve been together forever. We’re building this, and I was so focused on the future, just keep smashing out what you’ve got to do now. Keep smashing it out and then when the kids get to a certain age, then it’ll be better. But it wasn’t, and we were both so unhappy. It wasn’t funny. I look at it now and I was hurting so much, and I probably masked a lot of it because I just thought that’s how a marriage was supposed to be or this is what running a business was supposed to be like, but I wasn’t, had no enjoyment in my life really at all, which is pretty sad when you look at it. That’s how stressed I was. And on the flip side, same with my wife, I’m sure she wasn’t enjoying it either.

(23:02):

We were like two housemates living together, raising kids. That’s basically, that’s what it came to. And then when it got beyond repair, this is what happens. And look, to be honest with you, we could have easily just stating that for another 10, 15 years, but she had the courage to say, this is not what I want, which was then now the catalyst for the breakdown. And I am forever grateful that she had the courage to step up and pull the pin because I’m a very loyal person. I think I would’ve just kept persisting with it and it would’ve just got worse, to be honest with you. And then that’s when the resentment starts kicking in, and before you know it, something happens. And then you can’t even raise kids together. At least we’re at a point where we get on. Well, I mean, she came to Fiji, we went on a family holiday together with the kids. We went to Fiji part of the awards a couple of years ago. So at least we’re in a position where we can still respect each other and raise our kids the way they need to be raised and show ’em the love that they need to have. So there’s one positive out of it. That’s definitely one of ’em.

Speaker 2 (24:24):

And we’ll get to it because you wouldn’t have the business and life you got today without have made all the changes if that moment wouldn’t have happened, because that’s what sent you on this journey of making personal changes and making all the changes and the business, you wouldn’t have the business, the life who you are as a person, the wealth you’ve got now, you wouldn’t have had this life or you awesome life that you’ve got now if she didn’t have the courage to make that change. And so that’s why when you say I’m grateful for it, it was a huge catalyst. You got into coaching and boom, things took off, didn’t it?

Speaker 1 (25:00):

Yeah, a hundred percent. It’s funny. At the time I thought it was the worst thing that ever happened to me. But now on the flip side and being five years back onto it, I can look back on it with gratitude and go that moment, that single handedly changed the whole directory of my life. It changed me as a person, as a father, as a businessman, as a future partner person. As a partner, I know so much more about myself. So there has been positives out of it, and I’m so much better for it, and I’m definitely a better father without no hands down.

Speaker 3 (25:42):

So let’s do that and break that down further because I really want to get into the, there’s obviously a massive sort of J curve in terms of the dip where you found yourself coming out of this. There’s a whole nother chapter to this. Where would you start in terms of if we said, all right, the transformation of you into this version of Dane, the one that’s now let go of the idea of going back. You can’t go back. You knew that you found that out. It’s never going to go back, but the person you are now, where would you say that started? Was it you addressing you as a person individually, you showing up as a different figure in the family as a dad or as an ex-husband if you like? Or is it you as the business owner? Where do you start to draw the story of the rebirth of Dane as a person?

Speaker 1 (26:32):

There’s a combination of ’em. It’s never like anything. It’s never just one thing. That was the catalyst for me when it happened. I questioned everything I said, anything that I knew. I questioned absolutely everything. And I went on probably the biggest deep dive personally on myself. And I wanted to know why was I the way I was? What made me tick? What were the lessons that I had learned? What were the stories I’ve been told? What were the bad habits potentially that God loved my parents? But you learn things from the first 35 years of my life. That’s what I learned, and I was basically went backwards and tried to unlearn all of the things that I thought were not serving me correctly. So that was the first thing. I just went a massive deep dive.

Speaker 3 (27:22):

Did that help? I mean, I’m interested in that question because you think about, well, why did it happen? And does that, and I’m sure it’s different for everyone, but did that help you understanding why it happened versus looking forward and going, well, who am I going to become? Because in coaching, we’re fascinated with almost both sides. It keeps coming up. But did it help you to go back or was it?

Speaker 1 (27:41):

It helped me a lot because it helped me forgive myself. It also helped me forgive people around me, to be honest with you. And I feel like it gave me a lot more empathy. I am, and I talk, my coach Andrew, I talked to him. I’m naturally very hard on myself. I judge myself very highly and allowed me to soften myself and not be so hard and hard in my core. So reflecting back on that, it made me understand why things happen the way they did, and why did my parents do this and how did I pick that up off them? Okay, now I can unlearn that. It gave me sympathy towards what they were going through at the same time, because naturally you think your parents are these invincible people, but then when you get to that same age, you’re like, oh, they were just going through the same shit that we were going through and they were literally doing the best that they could with what they had.

(28:39):

You know what I mean? And it made me appreciate what they did for me and show me. So that really helped me reflecting back on why the way I was. But then moving forward, for me, offloading the stress was the biggest thing to me. I think the stress that I was carrying around was the catalyst for a lot of this stuff. So I think the first thing I did was get a bookkeeper, believe it or not, because it seems so simple and nothing, you would think, oh yeah, how easy is that? But I put on a bookkeeper and then suddenly I was like, that single thing alone. It’s funny, that little thing gave me the confidence to go, oh my God, I just offloaded this and I did this. It freed up four or five hours of my week and straight away I was like, oh, that wasn’t hard at all. Well, what’s the next thing I’ve got to do? What’s the next domino? Where do I next want to go? So something so small was the catalyst for me. So yeah, just putting on a simple bookkeeper that was, like I said, when I started, it was me and only me. That was it.

Speaker 3 (29:53):

Yeah, and I think you say it’s a simple thing now, but let’s not lose sight of how big a step that was back when you did it.

Speaker 1 (30:00):

Oh, it was scary. Yeah.

Speaker 3 (30:04):

Yeah, it was like the most chilling thing you could ever contemplate was giving up control. Yeah, a hundred percent. Taking another chance on someone, having to trust someone. The same decision that you made then now seems easy. But that’s because way back then it was a way different world you were living in.

Speaker 1 (30:18):

Yeah, I was also in a do or die situation too at that time I was like, if I don’t do this, I can’t even see how am I going to look after my kids? What am I going to do? I’m basically going to be work all day and have my kids every second weekend. That’s what I was basically looking down the barrel. And also, like I said, my motivation was to win my wife back and say, Hey, look, I can change. So for the first 6, 9, 12 months, that was it. But each day it changed and it flipped and it became more, instead of being for her, it became more for me, more for me. And then it got to the flipping point where I wasn’t doing it for anyone else other than myself because I started to see who I was and I started becoming the person that I wanted to be.

(31:07):

I was this fun person again, I lost everything that I was. There was times I used to, I don’t want to go back too far, but before we separated, there was times where I would sit in this house, everyone was asleep on a Thursday night, Friday night, 10:30 at night. I used to look up and go, I’ve got everything. I’ve got perfect family. I’ve got a business, I’ve got this beautiful house. I’ve got everything I could ever wanted or anyone would ever dream of. And I’d be like, what is wrong with me? Why am I miserable? Why am I so unhappy? What is missing? I couldn’t put my hand on it. I couldn’t understand what it was, but that’s how I felt. Once I started off loading all this stuff, the enjoyment of life started coming back. Just simple things like going for a walk, going to the beach. What hobby do I like? I had a life outside of work and it doesn’t seem like a lot, but stress is the silent killer in men, if I’m being honest. I think stress is a silent killer. It definitely was for me.

Speaker 3 (32:14):

Do you think there’s an element that you had to find out and like yourself again, before you could make this sort of a swing, there had to be a version of you that you were happy to be?

Speaker 1 (32:23):

Yeah. Obviously when your wife leaves you, your ego takes, it, takes a bit of a hit.

Speaker 3 (32:28):

But you’ve got to be honest in that moment, right? That’s a massive face. You can either face the facts or you could blame a million or one other things, but you’ve chosen to go inward and go, you know what? At some point I’m going to figure out was this inevitable because of everyone else or was it inevitable because of just the way that I’d set this up and what was going on in my world?

Speaker 1 (32:46):

A hundred percent. And I had that reflection where I was like, I don’t even like the person I am. How can someone, why would someone want to be with me? Of course she left me. If you don’t like the version of yourself, how can someone else like who you are? So there was that reflection pretty early on, and then it was just, that was the springboard for me to go, no, this is not how I want to live the rest of my life. And I was still young. I know it seems odd. I was 35 years of age, so I had that time on my side where I’m like, you know what? I can rebuild myself and still have another amazing second half of my life basically.

Speaker 2 (33:27):

But this is why in coaching, we start not only making changes on the business front, around structure, around bookkeepers and admin or contracts administrator and dialling in the ground crew. There’s always those business strategy changes, pricing, margin management, everything. There’s always the business strategy changes that come. But regardless if your marriage is on the brink or not, a big part of the catalyst for change also comes through the personal transformation as a person. And that’s why in coaching what you’re hearing here from Dane is, is that for things to change, first he had to change. He was grinding away, but it was grinding him away as an individual. And he had to get to the point to be able to go, who am I? What do I want from my life? How do I eliminate some of the stress and what makes me happy? And that goes back to the root core.

(34:20):

And that means you sometimes have to change your relationship with alcohol, improve your sleep, clean up your diet, start going to the gym. Again, it’s those things that we get clients to fix early on in their journey, which creates the personal transformation in the individual compounding that with the changes on the business front, that’s where things take off. And Dane, that was what it was for you is why you said it wasn’t just one thing. It was me tackling me and me tackling changes in the business. And those two combined together is what was the huge step forward that you had, wasn’t it?

Speaker 1 (34:55):

Yeah, massive. It was the biggest catalyst for me. And you talk about personal change, I think back now, I went and got a personal trainer. I didn’t even have, I literally sacrificed myself. You just sacrifice yourself for the family and everyone thinks, oh, you’re working or you’re doing this. But I did nothing for myself. Literally, I did nothing for myself. So part of the regrowth was doing stuff for myself, and one of ’em was getting a personal trainer and training every day and having a diet and feeling good about yourself. And then when you start feeling good about yourself, it’s amazing what starts happening from that. So something small, getting a bookkeeper and starting personal training was two of the smallest things that, it doesn’t seem like a lot, but it was enough to give me the confidence to keep going. And then obviously you talk about margin management and all this sort of stuff.

(35:51):

I didn’t even know what that was. I didn’t even know what a GP was or what an MP was or what’s a GP excluding labour, including I had absolutely no idea about any of this stuff. So as we started transforming myself, and then I could start looking at my business and go, Hey, well, the business got to where it got to because of me, but I was the handbrake that was stopping it going any further. And I took it as far as I possibly could. And from that point on, I needed to trust in other people. I needed to learn and learn my numbers and not shy away from ’em and understand that sort of stuff so I could quote correctly to drive the changes I wanted. So hey, now I can employ a site supervisor. Now I can employ a construction admin. Hey, now I’ve got three leading hand carpenters. You can’t just employ those people unless you know your numbers and you’re quoting to cover these costs. So that was the next evolution of growing, you know what I mean? And learning.

Speaker 3 (37:01):

In builder’s terms. Do you think what you’re describing, do you look at it as being like a renovation of you or do you think it’s a full rebuild?

Speaker 1 (37:09):

For me, it was a full rebuild, but there’s nothing of me that is the same that it is today. From that time prior to my separation, there’s nothing the same. Even just the way I talk to my kids now. Before my patience was non-existent. I didn’t have patience. I didn’t even know what it was. I just thought, Hey, that’s just who I am. As you start stripping all this stuff back, suddenly you have the bandwidth to if your kids do something or you have a laugh at ’em, you’re not just on edge 24/7 where you just basically you love them to death, but you just seem, I felt like I was frustrated with them 24/7. And it’s like, that’s not why you have kids. That’s not why you have a family. It’s horrible to say, but none of it was enjoyable. It’s not often you want to say that, but it wasn’t enjoyable because I wasn’t happy in myself and it’s nothing to do with them, and it literally had nothing to do with them. It was me and how I was feeling inside myself.

Speaker 3 (38:17):

This is why I think a couple of things. This is why face the facts. I was our first pillar because this, this is absolutely to do with being able to sit there and face those facts. And I think this is the benefit of a principle like that. You saw it, you heard it, you lived it, and everything could change because of that. Because as I said before, it could have been so easy for you to project it onto other people. You did that for a while early in your journey. There was always a reason you were looking for reasons outside I remember that weren’t ever going to give you the answer you needed. You look back now and you say, well, I’ve rebuilt myself completely. There’s nothing left. Where do you think, or what would you say, if you could go back and tell yourself this version of Dane somehow could go back in time and meet that version of Dane, what do you think your reaction or your response or your advice would be to that version?

Speaker 1 (39:08):

If I could go back in time, I wish I wasn’t so close-minded in my approach to business. I thought I knew everything. If I’m being honest with myself, I thought I knew everything started my business young. Look how successful I was. I’ve done, and when I say successful, reasonably successful, I wasn’t.

Speaker 3 (39:32):

You won awards though. You were HIA award winner. You’d done all that stuff. You’d been featured on tv. I mean, we haven’t covered any of that part of your story, but you managed to somehow in the midst of everything we’ve talked about, you still ran a business that was doing great work and you still had a great business in terms of product.

Speaker 1 (39:49):

A hundred percent. And I think that’s what clouded me from actually looking at it going, oh, I need help. Because I didn’t really get help from anyone. I was very like, nah, I’ll just learn it. I’ll just do it my way. So if I could definitely go back, it would definitely be put your ego away and you do need help. There’s so much I didn’t know. And now I look at it now like, man, what was I thinking? I could have made changes early on and I still probably would’ve had my marriage, if I’m being honest with you. It might’ve broken down for another reason. Sometimes people just fall out of love. That can just happen. My relationship ended because I was just so stressed and it was all work. That’s not what happened. Obviously. Ultimately you do fall out of love because you’re not there connecting with each other. So basically that’s what happens. But that’s what I would’ve went back and told myself for sure.

Speaker 3 (40:48):

What are you proud of that person who he was? What makes you proud of that person?

Speaker 1 (40:54):

Not a lot really, which is, oh no, I always knew that I wasn’t being and living the person that I wanted to be. When you just know this, you can hide. But deep down in my gut or deep down somewhere inside my body, I knew I wasn’t being the husband I wanted to be. I knew I wasn’t being the father I wanted to be, which was massive for me, which I think then created anger towards myself. I felt like I was trapped. I didn’t know why. It’s a very hard feeling to explain, to be honest with you.

Speaker 3 (41:32):

So who made that call to reach out to Rob? Do you think the new version of you that had just started or the old version of you that was ready for the change?

Speaker 1 (41:39):

A bit of both. I think the new version of I wasn’t the new version of myself, so I think it was the old version of myself who was ready for change. 100%. I got to the point where I’m like, I can’t keep this facade up anymore. I’m proud of, to be honest with you, I won’t say I’m not proud. No, I started a business from scratch at 21. I started, I decided at 21, at 22nd birthday in January, I was basically started the business. Not many people start a business at that young of age or have the confidence to go after it and just have a crack at it. So I’m very proud of that. Even just then transitioning prior to coaching, going, no, I’m going to start a whole new business and start Hamptons Homes Sydney. That takes a lot of courage in itself. So look, there is many things that I’m proud of, but to be honest with you, they seem to be only business related.

Speaker 3 (42:38):

Which makes sense. It’s a narrow field that you were living in. You were playing a narrow game if you want to say that. So it makes sense that you would find narrow things to be proud about, but they are there.

Speaker 1 (42:48):

A hundred percent. And then on reflection on all this reflection on myself, I realised that my identity was my business and that’s where everything was just out of whack because I didn’t really have anything outside of business that stress. I didn’t really hang out with mates that often. I was playing football, but that’s the only thing I did. And it was a stress to get there. It was in between work and rushing down there and trying to come back home and then look after kids. So my whole identity was centred around me as the businessman, and that’s why I was feeling like I was a terrible dad and a terrible husband, and I just wasn’t living to what I believed was true that I wanted to live to.

Speaker 3 (43:37):

What are you proud about this version of you?

Speaker 1 (43:43):

Almost everything. I’m definitely proud of the father that I’ve become. And look, there’s been a lot of challenges in the last five years that I don’t want to pretend like it’s been smooth sailing. You separate and you’ve got to start from scratch. And then you’ve got, you’re trying to run a business. So basically now I run a business and I work five and a half, six hours a day because there’s not a day, I don’t at least have one of my kids, so I’ve got to drop ’em to school and pick ’em up. So I’ve had to rebuild this whole business working five and a half, six hours a day. That’s excluding school holidays. So come Friday, we’re on school holidays for another two weeks, and that’s another juggle of having kids on school holidays. So what’s that? You take away the school holidays? It’s 39 weeks a year or 38 weeks a year.

(44:39):

I get to work six hours. So for me to be able to have a functioning business and be able to do what I’ve been able to do working these minimal hours, if someone have told me that’s what would be possible five years ago, or even say seven years ago prior to me the breakdown of my marriage, I would’ve said, you’re mad. And I was working 10, 12 hour days. I had a working out of home with an office. So any span moment you would have on the weekend, wake up early on a Saturday morning or wake up early on a Sunday morning, I go down the office from six o’clock to eight o’clock and I couldn’t even tell you the amount of hours I was working. I just wasn’t keeping, but it would’ve been upward of 70, 80 hours a week minimum. Now I’m running a business working 25, 30 hours a week. Has it prolonged my growth? And yes, it’s something I’ve had to deal with because I wish I could do things a bit quicker and have.

Speaker 3 (45:41):

That’s your other gift though, the patience that you’ve developed.

Speaker 1 (45:45):

Well, I’ve had to learn it, but also then I look at it and I’m like, you only get this time with your kids once you don’t get it again, it doesn’t exist again. So I can actually say, look, when I get to the end of it, and there’s still a bit of time, Sonny’s only six, so I’ve still got a bit more time to go, but I won’t have any regrets with me spending time with my kids being there every day when they’ve come home from school or whatever. So that in itself, I’ve got to be extremely proud of, to be able to basically rebuild my whole business deal with the breakdown of a marriage and all the mental turmoil that goes with that, and through the midst of all that, just put my foot down and just put my faith in you guys and follow the blueprint and go get after it every quarter, whether it’s one little thing or every day and go, no, I’m just going to improve one little thing every day. And it does work.

Speaker 3 (46:46):

It’s great, mate. We can’t say enough about it and what it’s meant to play a part as coaches in this and to be able to help you through some of this stuff. I think the other thing though that I want you to, maybe we finish here unless you’ve got other questions, Rob, but the community element of the group, the Pravar Group, not just the coaching or the blueprint as you call it, but the community and the guys you’ve had around you throughout this, and some of them are still with us, some of them have moved on in the time that you’ve been with us, what’s it meant to have a community around you and people that are willing to help you put your hand up and the helps there? What would you say to the community element of what you’ve had around you the last 3, 4, 5 years?

Speaker 1 (47:27):

The community element is amazing. Business is lonely, very, very lonely. And prior to Pravar, I don’t think I knew anyone that ran their own business. I was one of maybe the only one that in all my friends groups or whatever who ran their own business, it was lonely. There was no one that I could talk about what I was going through or what I was feeling. The stress couldn’t even really talk to my wife at the time about it. She didn’t really understand it. So to have a group of men that, no, they just get you. Even when you see some of the challenges that they have, you don’t feel like you need to overexplain yourself and be like, oh God, this happened today. You just say it and you just know they get it and they can give you tips. And like you said to me, it feels like a family at any point.

(48:25):

There’s probably no one in this group and you just pick up the phone at any time you want and give ’em a call. They’ll answer the phone, and if they can’t, they’ll answer it and say, Hey mate, can I call you back in 20 minutes, half an hour? I’m in the middle of, you know what I mean? Just knowing that you’ve always got people to talk to. But yeah, just having people that understand what you’re going through is massive in itself. And like I said, I was so lonely and had no one, my perception was I had no one that would understand or even know what I was going through anyway, so I wouldn’t bother to start trying to explain it to people. Just your mates on the street who don’t understand it.

Speaker 3 (49:05):

It is, it’s very powerful, mate. I’m happy to call it there. I think you’ve shared so much of yourself, and for that, I think, Rob, we’re grateful for Dane coming on and sharing this. It’s not an easy thing to keep going over or talking about, but I know when we set this up and planned it, Dane really wanted to sort of say that, Hey, if I can help someone somewhere that can hear this before they need to or before they get to this point, then it’s well worth coming on and sharing some of that stuff.

Speaker 2 (49:32):

Yeah, absolutely. I look back over the last five years, and it’s been such a transformation in all facets of your life, in terms of who you are, how you show up as a now partner, which is really awesome to see. The relationship that you got with your boys is epic like I love, but you’re a good dad, you’re a great dad, and they’re so lucky to have you as their dad and mate, the way you show up every day. For them it’s inspiring. And then that the way that you’ve made personal changes around who you are and self-love you’ve got for yourself, and then your business side of things and the developments you do on the side, you’ve been able to dial in what the four legacies, health, wealth, business and connections. You’ve been able to do that over the last five years and it’s been such a transformation, mate, and we’re really grateful for the opportunity to be able to share that journey with you and guide you through it. But mate, you’ve put in the work and it’s so chalk and cheese, who you are today from when we first met. And yeah, we’ve loved seeing that You’re an epic partner, an epic dad, and an epic businessman. So yeah, we’re super proud of you, mate. You’ve done a good job.

Speaker 1 (50:43):

Thanks, Rob. Thanks, Dan. Yeah, it’s been a massive transformation, but I do feel like I’m only about two thirds of the way of where I need to be. You know what I mean? Which is still, there’s a lot of work that I still need to do, and you guys know where I’m going and what I’m trying to get to, but I am chalk and cheese. But what’s exciting is I’ve still got more to come. You know what I mean? And I haven’t quite nailed every part of where I need to be in business and where even me as a person, which is even more exciting because that’s what keeps you waking up every day trying to get to that keeps me hungry. All right. That’s for sure.

Speaker 3 (51:30):

Thanks for coming in, mate. Appreciate it.

Speaker 2 (51:34):

If you’ve enjoyed Dane’s story today, it was an absolute ripper, and as Dan said before, it’s Dan wanted to share his story, so if he could help one of you, he knows that his story’s been worth it. And so if you’ve enjoyed today’s story and you’re sitting there listening, going, I don’t want to wait for, it’s too late to make change. If you know that you need to make change and your business and your life so that you can become a better version of you, a better husband, better father, and a businessman, better businessman, and you’re ready to commit to making that change, then jump across to strategysession.com.au book in a time with myself. Let’s have a good conversation around where you’re at, where you’re trying to go, and let’s talk through your journey going forward so we can help you make those changes from here on in. Thanks again for joining us today, mate. We’re really grateful for you sharing your story and looking forward to coming back to you next week with another episode of The Trade Den. Until then, take care.